So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize