He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your penis caused this!
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