There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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