I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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