God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
