He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
