he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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