How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
