I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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