I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
as a side note pls kill me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
