I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
