Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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