I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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