Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
