It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize