Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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