No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
