Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
