Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
