I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
