you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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