I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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