so explain again why im purple
no
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
