On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
