Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
