omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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