That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
