I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
