dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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