two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
