hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
