the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
