I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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