anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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