If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if only i could text you this smell
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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