u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
