i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize