Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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