Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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