I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
