My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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