My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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