i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
