I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
