I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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