Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
