we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize