someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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