just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
