I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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