Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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