If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if only i could text you this smell
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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