Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize