dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
