You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize