ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
