I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
