Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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