i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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