Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
