You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
and you fell through a lawn chair
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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