I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
