I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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