just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
