I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
