The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
