I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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