Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
