I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
