corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
